where my brain is right now

I am really not in the best place in life. I know it could be a lot worse and has been in the past, but I am still not right. Maybe I need a vacation.

I have a very short temper at the moment and I am finding it very hard to keep up everything that I do. I work so much and my main job is just not fulfilling me in the way it has in the past and the way I would like it to. There is so much anger there and red tape and uncertainty. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right anymore.

I love my second job of teaching PiYo but I am starting to get a little frustrated at little things and I really think it is partially that I haven’t been sleeping. My classes are getting smaller and I don’t know what is going on. It might just be the summer slump but it is hard to push through. And I rely so much on this income that I fear them getting cancelled. I have no weekend classes in September so that is also a financial set back. I just have to focus ahead on the other subbing opportunities I know will appear in the fall and winter.

I find it hard to be motivated in general. Hard to get out of bed. Hard to take care of my house (it is so messy and there is fur everywhere, it is really bad). Hard to get my knitting done and work on videos. I am trying to keep going but I keep sinking.

Something has to give.

I want to be able to redefine my time, make it mine, make it work again.

I love teaching, I love making videos (although the views have gone down and that hate comment from a few weeks ago is still my most recent one so I see it every day and I am really hoping to get past this), I love crafting, I know this. I just have to push through this funk I can’t seem to get out of.

I do so much for others that I think it is getting at me that those favors aren’t returned. I am lonely and exhausted and stuck. Yet I am going to make a 36 hour trip to go to a wedding of a dear friend in a few weeks which means 24 of those hours will be in a car. I want to go but I also don’t want to deal with the trip.

I know I do this to myself.

Maybe someday I can live my dream and work for myself teaching, crafting, subtitling, and making videos. Or maybe I will never be so lucky and will spend the rest of my life working a main job in the corporate world that sucks my soul dry. Maybe I can get back to a place mentally where I can live with that and work my other 3 jobs to compensate for the lack of pay and lack of love.

I never thought this would be my life.

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