I have mentioned before that I hate promoting myself. It isn’t because I am against self-promotion in general and I have no issue with others doing so. I am afraid that I am not good enough.
It is the same thing that stopped me from selling on Etsy for years. I finally bit the bullet about 6 years ago. I still fear that what I make isn’t good enough, that no one will want it. That is kind of reflected in my prices. I know they should probably be higher but I feel like no one will buy it for more and that nothing I do is that good. This is all in the face of glowing reviews and many sales, including repeat customers, and friends who get excited for their wedding blanket and/or first baby born blanket. I have a crippling fear when I go to craft fairs that my stuff isn’t good enough.
It stops me from promoting my classes and fearing asking for more classes to teach. That in the face of a studio owner who has praised me openly as one of the most natural instructors she has ever come across and a class of regulars where some have been coming every week for a year. And I fear every time I sub for anyone else even though after every time I have had several people ask where I teach and when.
It gets in my head when I dance and stops me from competing. And sometimes stops me from having fun. It stops me from pursuing teaching dance.
And it stops me from promoting YouTube. Or at least gets in the way of me promoting. I fear that my videos aren’t good enough. I see all the flaws. I wonder if anyone cares. And then I look at the numbers. YouTube is really difficult to get started. It is all about luck and in the beginning you HAVE to promote.
Then with this claymation that I am so proud of myself for (despite seeing all the mistakes that are glaring to me), I freak out and post little bits like a terrified animal and then run away. I really just want one of the people in it to see it and hopefully like it and maybe laugh. But then I think it isn’t good enough, why would they care? Why would anyone care? I have only posted on two of their videos to mention it. Will they even see the comment? I don’t know. But it caused SO MUCH ANXIETY just to post. I am TERRIFIED.
I find myself having to psych myself up for all of these things even though I LOVE doing them.
I wish I was raised to believe in myself. It is so much harder to learn to do as an adult than to grow up with it. How are other people supposed to believe in me when I can’t believe in myself?