holidays

Holidays are hard for a lot of people. Myself included. I haven’t gotten there yet on the tales of loss series but I don’t really have family that I communicate with. I have my brother, sister in law, and nieces. That is pretty much it. Some of my aunts and uncles will occasionally talk to me on facebook or send a card. There has been a rift that I will explain later but it makes it so that I cannot see any family that I do talk to on holidays. I am alone.

It is really difficult at Christmas.

I have friends and I try to hang out with them when possible (I have made this work the past few years). I try. It isn’t the same.

How do I deal with this? I overcompensate. A lot.

I send gifts to the four family members I talk to, a lot of gifts. I try really hard to make them things that they would enjoy.

I send Christmas cards to as many people as want them (only about 12 this year) and include messages in each. I don’t do a form letter. I hate those.

I purchase gifts for myself and wrap them and place them under my tree. I wait until Christmas morning to open them. That way I know I will have something to open. I fill my stocking.

I make over 1,000 cookies and mail them to friends. I box them up and go on a massive delivery run dressed as Santa and try not to get caught. To date, no one has spotted me. Knock on wood.

I have dinners for friends and invite them over. Some come, some don’t.

I hope that Santa is finally real to grant me the one thing I want for Christmas – a family that isn’t abusive, loves me, and will share the day with me. One that I can count on always being there in the future.

There are spreadsheets (yes, multiple) that organize all these efforts. It costs a lot of $$ and a lot of time. But it makes me feel somewhat like I am doing something over the holidays. I try to fill my time so I don’t feel the void.

Holidays are hard. I feel your pain.

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