what it is really like to date a musician

It seems like a glamorous thing, dating a musician. I have dated 2 drummers, 1 bass player, and 1 guitarist / vocalist. Others may have different experiences, but here is my point of view.

Don’t date a musician.

The glamour? Not true.

First off, your musician, like my past 4, will not be famous. If they somehow win the lottery and make a hit, you are gone. Replaced by someone famous.

No, they don’t have fame. Maybe some people know the band but mostly only musicians will know the names of the band members. Friends and family will too. Don’t expect them to be recognized. Don’t expect preferential treatment.

They will be busy all the time. Most of them can’t afford to live on just gigs so expect them to have another job. Most likely it is something with variable hours like retail. They will never have a set schedule. Good luck finding time or organizing a household. They won’t tell you when they are working unless you get one more communicative than my exes.

You will go to a lot of gigs. A lot. There are some you will be expected to attend and you might not know until right before that this is the case. They may want you to just know based on where the gig is if you are to be there or not.

You will anger your friends. Those gigs and that variable schedule? Makes it darn hard to plan something with you. And after flaking a few times, they will stop calling you.

You will be so much more than a significant other. You will be a roadie, booking agent (yes you will help get gigs and help them get paid and probably negotiate fees), promoter, driver (they get impaired in various ways and also can’t afford to fix their broken car or even gas at times), a maid, a parent (they are basically children at times), and a comfort if any gig goes wrong or if someone else gets a part in a band or a gig. You will learn so much about musicians and gigs and instruments. Who plays in what way and why that is good or bad. How to spot it.

They will flake on you or go long periods of time without responding to your calls and texts. You can guess what they are doing. Maybe playing, maybe drinking, maybe smoking, maybe they finally realized that person in the audience was hitting on them and they are off together somewhere.

You will spend a lot of time backstage. You will enter locations for free and say “I’m with the band” a lot. But it isn’t like one of my friends wanted to do. There is no lipstick on your face. You are not dressed up. Nope. You are carrying something the band or your significant other needs. Maybe you got a call asking for their flannel shirt and you show up with 15 shirts because everything they own is flannel. Then maybe you are helping them change backstage because they can’t do it themselves for some reason (remember I said they are children?) or don’t want to. Maybe you are bringing backup equipment or are just there to watch. But backstage you go.

And when they finally leave you, your support system is not really there. You became part of the band and part of their family and pissed off your friends by flaking on them or forcing them to listen to music you might have hated too. Then you are alone and broken.

Don’t date a musician.

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